While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
