I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
