I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Randomize
