genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
