Soap is not a condiment
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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