dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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