her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
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I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
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Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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