Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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