U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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