I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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