I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
