I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
