I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit