I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.