I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
