Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
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I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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