You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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