My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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