wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
