i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
