You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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