Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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