Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
