i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
