dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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