Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
