I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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