I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
