We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
