I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
