he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
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I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
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Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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