i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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