She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
