I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
