He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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