I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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