It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
