Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
