Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
the condom got lost in my hair
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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