I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
