we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
