How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The Olympian is in my bed
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
