My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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