He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
