I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
25 Medical Facts That Need To Be Common Knowledge
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE