The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
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Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
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Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.