Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.