We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
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Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
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I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.