She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We have started to decorate penises.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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