Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
