I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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