Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
