that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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