Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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