the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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