I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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