His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
